


kaleidoscope

by kuresoto



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A bunch of Force Skype sessions, Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Fluff, Force Bond (Star Wars), Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-03-07 04:00:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13426359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuresoto/pseuds/kuresoto
Summary: tumblr prompt fill dump. mostly non-explicit short ficlets.[a constantly changing pattern or sequence of elements. a diverse collection]





	1. “Yeah, I have a plan.” “Is it a good one?” “I have a plan.”

**Author's Note:**

> none should be explicit. if it is, i'll put the rating at the beginning of the chapter.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #17: “Yeah, I have a plan.” “Is it a good one?” “I have a plan.”
> 
> [from this prompt list](http://kuresoto.tumblr.com/post/169213201083/prompt-list-1)
> 
> sw-verse

She lost count of how many cycles passed since they parted ways, herself refusing to acknowledge his presence until their bond disconnected with a sharp twang. She lost count of how many times she would sense his presence, quietly watching her not far off. She never spoke to him, never gave him reason to think she saw him, even though they both knew she could. And he never spoke to her either, never making any attempt to catch her attention. It was a weird mutual agreement they had; stay out of the each other’s way and everything would be fine.

Until one of them got bold. She wasn’t sure who started it, maybe it was her, but she would never admit that. Maybe it was the sheer loneliness she felt, despite being surrounded by the remaining individuals of the Resistance. Maybe it was _his_ loneliness bleeding through their bond and infecting her, she wasn’t sure, but they never spoke and it was too awkward to ask.

He would spend nights in her bed, or she in his, depending on how she viewed the situation. Her cot was small, just enough to fit her, and one night as she flittered in and out of consciousness, she felt a warmth behind her. There was no dip in her bed, or movement behind her as she lay on her side, only a presence that she felt traitorously comfortable around. Was it because they appeared to each other almost every day, never exchanging any words that sleeping next to each other didn’t feel any different? She wasn’t sure, but she was exhausted and could feel the same exhaustion wafting from him.

It went on like that for weeks. Instead of appearing during the day, she would only feel his presence at night in bed. She always remained completely still as if turning to look at him would break the contract they had between them. He never did anything either, lying just as still as she did. She wondered briefly if that was how he always slept, stiff as a board and never moving, not that she would ever have the courage to turn around and ask.

Months passed until one night, she heard soft sighs next to her, then a gentle touch to her shoulders. She would feel his fingers play at the ends of her hair, giggles threatening to spill from her lips when they got too close to a sensitive spot near the base of her neck. Sometimes he would shift upwards, propping himself up if she guessed correctly, and just watch her. His head would be precariously close to hers and sounds of him breathing would be all she heard. Was he sniffing her head? Her hair? It didn’t matter, his soft exhales would always cradle her to sleep whether she liked it or not.

Sometimes he would blink into existence already asleep. She wasn’t sure how she knew, but the first time it happened, she cautiously turned over and finally got a good look at him. He almost looked peaceful, if not for the faint worry lines and the slight frown. Admittedly, she was bolder, reaching out to not play with his hair, but to ghost over the thin line over his right cheek. His face would twitch, brows furrowed slightly at her touch but remained blissfully asleep.

His hair had also gotten longer, she noted one night, finger curling around one of his locks. It had also become unruly, nothing like the primped version she was used to seeing. Sometimes an urge would rise, an urge to yank at his hair and scream at him for throwing everything away, but a part of her understood. Too many times had she seen him at his most vulnerable to believe him to be the Supreme Leader everyone feared. Too many times had he just caressed her skin like she was his everything. As if she could disappear from his life at a moments notice.

Whatever they had between them was...complicated.

And then one night as she snapped out of slumber suddenly, she found herself face to face with a wide-eyed Kylo Ren. It appeared that both of them awoke at the same time, if the shock on his face was anything to go by. Neither moved, both too scared to move and neither wanting to address the bond they had developed.

And then she stopped caring. Her eyes slipped shut as she shifted closer to him. If she imagined hard enough, she could almost feel his chest pressed against her forehead, or smell his scent against her nostrils. It was nice. And she didn’t want that to change.

No one knew. And she didn’t want anyone to know. And there was no guilt boiling inside her at the thought of hiding it from everyone, surprisingly enough. It just felt _right_.

Just like it did now, eyes slowly peeling open to find a slither of air separating them. A pair of half-hooded eyes stared at her lazily, past the point of caring as he rid the space between them. She sighed into the kiss, heart expanding at how real and solid he felt. Like he was really there. Like he left with her and never went back to the First Order.

_Do you always think of such depressing things when you kiss someone?_

She pulled away and glared at him with heated cheeks. “Oh, we’re talking now?”

He scoffed. “We could always talk, Rey, but you never even looked at me.” His face softened and moved towards her again. “Not like you do now,” he whispered, dropping a light kiss against her lips.

She felt his hand cup her cheek and relished at his touch. “You’re one to talk.”

“Maybe so, but I never hid from you. Never you. Never,” he repeated one last time before going in for another kiss. It wasn’t as innocent as their initial kiss, his tongue licking her bottom lip in jest and permission.

And permission she gave, lips parting to eagerly taste him. Despite this, their kiss was still modest. There was no need to rush so they took their time tasting each other, memorising each other’s lips and what they liked. Whether he nipped at her lips or crushed them together with urgency, it didn’t matter much; Rey found herself growing fond of any way he kissed her. It just felt _right_.

At the back of her mind, she wondered if they would go any further - _could_ they go any further? He wasn’t really there and it was one thing to touch each other, but another entirely to do _that_. It didn’t matter though, as a strong knock at her door broke through her musings and their heated activities.

She looked at Kylo with panic. “What are you doing?” she hissed. “Why are you still here?” She shoved his shoulder roughly only to freeze when her hand connected with a very solid body. “Wait…” Slowly, she pressed her palm against his chest and gave him another push. “You’re...here?”

“Looks like,” he said with the same wonder in his voice. He tipped his body back slightly to look at the door, only to fall to the floor, face first. He jumped up a second later and patted down his body. “Why am I here? I’m actually here here.”

Another knock at the door and her alarm only increased. “We’ll figure it out later, but for now, what do we do? You can’t be seen here!”

“Don’t worry, I have a plan.”

“You have a plan?”

“Yeah, I have a plan.”

“Is it a good one?”

Kylo pressed his lips together and tilted his head back and forth slightly. “I have _a_ plan.” Before Rey could get a word out, he dropped to the floor and shimmied his way under her bed.

Rey flopped her head over the edge of her bed and glared at him. “ _That’s your plan?!_ ”

“There’s nothing else in this room to hide in!” he snapped, voice muffled as he curled his body in hope that he fit under her bed. “Make the person at the door go away!”

With a huff, Rey threw her bedsheets over the pair of feet that stuck out. What was he thinking? Did he not realise how enormous he was? If the person at the door looked hard enough, they would see her bed hovering slightly off the ground, since his large frame could obviously not be contained.

Muttering a curse and positioning herself so she obstructed any clear view of her bed, she answered the door and hoped to Maker that nothing on her face gave her away. She _really_ didn’t want to explain why the Supreme Leader of the First Order was under her bed.


	2. “You gotta stop doing that.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #20: “You gotta stop doing that.” 
> 
> [from this prompt list](http://kuresoto.tumblr.com/post/169213201083/prompt-list-1)
> 
> sw-verse

She caught herself right before the words ‘you gotta stop doing that’ slipped from her lips, saving her from having the explain why she randomly started talking to herself in the hallway. Finn and Poe were ahead of her, but still within earshot, so she kept her mouth shut and discretely moved around the large man who stood in her way. They were on the way to a meeting, and she _really_ didn’t have the time to deal with him.

Couldn’t he just bugger off? Just walk in the opposite direction until their bond disconnected? But it seemed that it didn’t matter what she wanted, he followed closely behind her, much to her irritation. Studiously ignoring him, she filed into the meeting room and took her seat just as the meeting started.

She tried, oh she tried so hard to focus on what General Organa was saying, or the star maps that floated above them, but she couldn’t with Kylo being so _kriffing close to her_. She couldn’t see where he was, and he with her, but it appeared that the seat he sat himself was directly across from her. And not across-the-table distance, but rather _right in front of her_. She was surprised that their faces didn’t touch, they might as well have, they were _that_ close. And he looked utterly ridiculous with his hulking body in the middle of the meeting table. It was absurd. There was no way she was going to leave the briefing with any new knowledge.

Or at least, knowledge she wanted.

When his gaze became too intense, she averted her eyes to the holo in front of her, only to see the faint outline of Kylo’s lower body through the table’s surface. She pressed her lips together into a thin line and clenched her fists around her holo. She felt amusement waft from him, knowing the exact source of her annoyance. And then the bastard shifted his weight to one side, legs spread open in a lewd fashion with a grin she was positive was on his face. But she wasn’t going to let him get to her. No, no way in hell.

So without warning, she looked him dead in the eye and crossed her legs, making sure to flick her foot as she did so. He recoiled and snapped his legs shut, red blossoming at his cheeks even though they both knew nothing connected.

“That was dirty,” he muttered, sitting upright to regain his composure.

The tips of Rey’s mouth twitched in response, still refusing to utter a word.

“You can’t say anything. That must mean you’re preoccupied, and surrounded by people. I wonder…” he trailed off and leaned forward, making Rey jolt back in shock.

She dismissed any curious looks sent her way at her jerky movements, and burned her eyes into the table space just past Kylo. She felt a heat bubble in her belly and rise up her chest and settle at the base of her throat. A few moments ago, he was evidently not influenced by her surroundings, but now as his hand cupped her face, it was clear that it didn’t work both ways. And it wasn’t him just hovering his hand over her cheek. No, there was a definite warmth against her skin, and then a puff of air against her face when he had the audacity to kiss her cheekbone. It was soft and ghostly, and she wasn’t sure if it was from her blush or from his presence, but a sudden heat overwhelmed her.

Her heart raced, pumping more blood and warming her body completely. She forced herself to remain still as he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. It was dangerous, whatever he was playing at, and she wanted so bad to scream at him, to slap his hands from her and kick his groin, but she couldn’t. Not without making every person in the room look at her. So she sat there, perfectly still and helplessly let him do whatever he wanted.

“I’m not going to do anything to you,” he whispered, seeing distinct shine to her wide eyes. “I would never do that. _Rey_.” He sounded hurt that she could even think he would do such things, and she blinked furiously, thankful that the sting of tears faded.

And then he blew at her face, making her nose scrunch. The unexpected action chased away the fears she briefly entertained, secretly thankful for the distraction. She flickered her eyes to him, as a sort of thank you, and he merely winked in response. She let a small smile on her face and rolled her eyes at his antics, whilst internally screaming at her chest to stop throbbing.

“Rey? Is something the matter?”

She looked up sharply at her name and shook her head, embarrassed to be called out. “No, Leia. Sorry for the interruption.”

When the briefing resumed, she peeked from the corner of her eye, expecting to see Kylo grinning at her for getting caught, only to see the polar opposite. His face was devoid of any happiness, a moisture at the edges of his eyes with his lips trembling, despite the obvious fight against it. She didn’t need to guess the cause for the change in his disposition.

_Leia._

The star map above them shifted and small, glittering lights fell over his face, aligning with his moles perfectly. It was beautiful and tragic at the same time, the sadness and anguish on his face with the star map above him to constantly remind Rey that he was not there. He was with the First Order, thousands of light years away. He made his choice.

And that fact alone still hurt.

Her head dropped down with her shoulders sagging slightly, remembering all too well the hope he had for her. I’m sorry, she wanted to say, but she couldn’t, so she did the next best thing.

With her hand under the table and hidden from wandering eyes, she inched closer to his hand until their fingertips brushed against one another. His hand remained limp against his thigh, his eyes wide with fear as she slowly took his hand, her small thumb rubbing circles against his own.

It wasn’t much, but it was all she could do, until he came home.

“I can’t,” he murmured weakly before their connection broke with a snap, leaving her alone in the filled meeting room, and hand rubbing circles into nothing.

 


	3. “Do you trust me?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #6: “Do you trust me?”
> 
> [from this prompt list](http://kuresoto.tumblr.com/post/169213201083/prompt-list-1)
> 
> sw-verse

“Do you trust me?”

His words were genuine, but it wasn’t enough. “It doesn’t matter,” she bit out as she pushed past the Supreme Leader of the First Order. He called out to her, urgency in his voice, but she didn’t budge. She didn’t listen.

And look at her now.

Kylo gazed down at the sleeping form of the girl who he was tied to. After years of communicating through their bond, he could never predict the situation he found himself in. Everything he worked so hard for, gone in an instant, because she was too stubborn to heed his warnings. Or have friends who actually watched her back. A sigh left him as he pushed aside some hair from her eyes.

What a shitshow.

Twelve hours had passed since he fished her from the battlefield, the Force vibrating with life, more than ever, as he cradled her in his arms and deflected every blaster bolt aimed at him. She had not stirred, and normally that would send anyone into a panic, but not him. He felt the energy within her become stronger as the minutes ticked by. She was going to be fine, she just needed time to recover.

He should be furious that his plans were thwarted, now that he cut off all communication with the First Order, but he wasn’t. Any bitter feelings died on his tongue when he remembered why he did it all in the first place. For her? No, he wasn’t going to get far if she was the only thing on his mind. Taking over control of the First Order opened his eyes in more way than he could imagine, and after years of trying to change the galaxy from the inside, his time was up. He just hoped the legislation and codes he put in place came through in the end.

It was bound to happen though. The meetings and negotiations he forced himself to sit through was like getting his teeth pulled, and no sleep would be lost if he never saw another First Order Admiral ever again. He supposed he should thank his lucky stars that Hux didn’t try to poison him in his sleep - the ginger man always seemed like someone who would take the cowardly route to get rid of him.

And now he was free.

He harrumphed softly and got up from Rey’s bedside, weaving his way to the cockpit not far off. There was probably a giant bounty on his head after his little stunt, so freedom was relative. If he drifted through space with just himself and Rey, that would be the closest to freedom he could hope for, but he couldn’t keep her here. Once she woke up, he would formulate a route to the nearest Resistance-friendly planet and part ways, like they always seemed to do.

“You know it’s more complicated than that, Ben,” Rey’s sleepy voice murmured from the cot.

Kylo jumped up from the pilot’s seat and practically hurdled over the low bulkhead to her. “Stop talking, you need to rest. You were banged up pretty good.”

Rey crooked a brow at him and in defiance, pulled herself to sit upright. “It’s fine. I feel fine.”

He fixed his mouth into a firm line and glared at her. “You don’t trust me to even watch over you?”

She let out an annoyed sound. “No, it’s not that. If you’re going to drop me off at a Resistance planet, I want to be awake as long as I can before I leave.”

“Why?” he asked, not sure where she was going with this.

Her eyes slipped shut and it was like she was counting to ten in her head before she looked at him again. “Because we have a lot of catching up to do.”

“We talk to each other almost every day, Rey,” he said deadpan.

“Yeah, but not like this. Not in the flesh.” She paused and noticed her surroundings. “Why are we alone on your ship?”

He couldn’t tell her the truth, he couldn’t. He didn’t want a rehash of the Supremacy again, where she only saw his potential rather than himself as a person. So he lied. “I’m the Supreme Leader, Rey. I can do whatever I want.”

“Careful, or you’ll have a mutiny on your hands,” she joked before looking thoughtful for a moment. “That might not be a bad thing, no offence. The First Order would fall into disarray and be vulnerable to attack.”

He didn’t have the heart to comment that that had basically happened already. He could only imagine the state of the First Order. “I’ll deal with it then.” Silence fell over them, which brought forth the uncomfortable question. “Why didn’t you trust me?” he asked softly.

“Ben.” A sigh escaped her. “I wasn’t going to abandon them just because you told me not to go.”

“Was my word not enough?”

“That’s not fair. You know I couldn’t just pull out of the mission and leave Finn and Poe and Rose to fight without me.”

So much time had passed that the name of the traitor no longer brought forth anger. He used to be jealous that the ex-Stormtrooper could exchange jokes and talk with her easily, but after all the conversations they had, Kylo knew what was between himself and Rey was different. It was something no one else would understand or experience. “I know...I just wish you were more careful.”

Rey laughed and swatted at him. “You worry too much.”

“For good reason, since you would be dead if I didn’t save you.”

“Oh man, you definitely have a mutiny waiting for you when you get back.”

A chuckle. “It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

And like that, conversation between them continued like normal, as if they weren’t on opposite sides of the galactic war for the past five years. He hugged his knees and settled against the side of her cot as she laid back down, the pair talking about nothing, which was always his favorite.

He doesn’t know if he’ll ever tell her that he was no longer affiliated with the First Order, or how he drafted legislations to abolish slave trading, among other things. She didn’t need to know those things, not when she was the only person who saw him for who he was. Not a Skywalker. Not a Supreme Ruler.

Just Ben.

 


	4. “Is that blood?" “Just a knife wound. No big deal.” “Sorry, I spout out random facts when I’m nervous.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #11: “Just a knife wound. No big deal.”  
> #19: “Is that blood?"  
> #25: “Sorry, I spout out random facts when I’m nervous.”   
> 
> 
> [from this prompt list](http://kuresoto.tumblr.com/post/169213201083/prompt-list-1)
> 
> sw-verse

She was confused. And kind of annoyed, but mostly confused at their current predicament. When she woke up that morning, she didn’t think she would be trapped in a closet with the Supreme Leader of the First Order, and yet, there she was.

In fact, she didn’t think she would see him again, or at least, not in such close proximity. His back was to her as he pressed himself up against the closet door, peeking out of the slots like some child playing hide and seek. The closet wasn’t overly big, it was a medical storage closet after all, so she could see his feet twitch slightly, catching himself before he stood on the tips of his toes to scan the corridor outside. If they weren’t stuck in such a hostile environment, she would have found it amusing or cute. But no, she thought, face devoid of any humor. He was the feared Supreme Leader of the First Order, not some child, and he had just saved her from getting ambushed by a bunch of Stormtroopers.

“What are we doing here?” she asked, tired of hiding despite only a few minutes passing.

“You shouldn’t have come,” he said without turning around.

She rolled her eyes and let out a huff at her ignored question. “How did you even know I would?”

In an instant, he spun around and stared down at her. Anyone else would consider the glare being sent her way to be frightening, but not her. He couldn’t scare her even if he tried, and that was probably why she had volunteered to go on the mission in the first place.

“Because you weren’t meant to come,” he repeated, mouth twisted into a sneer despite Rey being able to see him gnaw the inside of his mouth. Why was he trying so hard to pretend to be someone he obviously was not?  

But she humored him anyway. “You’re the leader of the First Order. It doesn’t matter what you want to happen, the Resistance will fight you no matter what.”

“Yes, yes, yes,” he said with a dismissive hand. “I know that, but that’s not what I’m referring to.” When she looked at him expectedly, he sighed and continued. “There is no weapon on board.”

“Wait, what?” She stared at him dumbly, not believing her ears. “There isn’t?”

He let out a disbelieving laugh. “Seriously? I thought it was obvious.”

“Well, you would since you knew it was a lie! What about the report we got?” she asked, wracking her brain to remember where they got the intel from.

“We planted the info, but never in my wildest dreams did I think you would be _stupid_ enough to take the bait. And what were your so-called friends thinking, letting you infiltrate the First Order, poorly, I might add.”

“I...I thought…” What _was_ she thinking?

“You thought we would actually carry a reactive weapon on this unequipped ship?” he said deadpan, continuing to stare at her with a raised brow.

She floundered for words, slightly ashamed at her optimism, but a lot of Resistance members had backed up her plan. In fact, there was barely any opposition, which made her narrow her eyes. In retrospect, it _was_ a bad plan, so why didn’t anyone tell her?

“Probably has something to do with you being a Jedi or something,” Kylo commented offhandedly, before turning back to the door.

Just as she was about to argue with him, something caught her eye, making her freeze and inspect the slightly damp fabric. “Is that blood?”

Kylo looked down at where she was pointing at and quickly covered himself with his cloak. “It’s nothing.”

“It doesn’t look like nothing.”

“It’s just a knife wound. No big deal,” he insisted.

“Huh,” she hummed before rummaging through the shelves around them.

“What are you doing?” he hissed when she dropped a stack of medical supplies. “They’re going to find us if you’re not quieter!”

“Why is the Supreme Leader hiding anyways? Doesn’t matter, sit down,” she commanded.

“I’m not sitting down, Rey.”

“Yeah, you are, or else I’ll yell.”

Begrudgingly, he complied and plopped down on a crate with a pout. “Now what?”

Wordlessly, she kneeled before him and lifted the ends of his tunic to reveal a nasty gnash. He sharply sucked in some air, but remained motionless otherwise. Good, she could bandage his wound in peace.

Or not.

“Did you know bacta can heal pretty much anything?”

She looked at him quizzically at the sudden question. “Well, yeah, but there isn’t any here. This must be a backup supply closest because there’s only crude bandages here,” she answered, using a cloth to soak up some blood. He must have gotten knicked by one of the Stormtroopers laser axe. “What are you going to tell Hux when he sees the bodies?” she asked curiously.

He shrugged, only to wince when Rey poured some water on his wound. “That you killed everyone and escaped.”

“Oh, great, thanks a lot,” she said sarcastically and pressed down on his wound in revenge.

He winced slightly. “Well, they already think you killed Snoke, so this matches your character profile perfectly.”

“They think what now?” She gaped at him.

“How else would I be Supreme Leader if they knew I killed Snoke?”

She remained quiet, not able to find a suitable reply that didn’t involve swearing or shouting. So she resumed bandaging his wound, her warm hand pressed against his solid abdomen, only for him to babble again.

“Did you know honey is the only food that does not spoil?”

“...Okay?”

“Banthas only get two hours of sleep each cycle.”

“You don’t say…”

“Don’t eat acorns, they’re poisonous and you’ll die.”

She let out a laugh. “Alright.”

“And one quarter of the bones in your body is in your feet.”

“Do you always talk this much when you’re getting bandaged?” she cut in before he could get another fact out.

He snapped his mouth shut immediately at her words. There was a pause before he replied, voice small and meek. “Sorry, I spout out random facts when I’m nervous.”

Now she was _really_ confused. “Why would you be nervous?”

She watched his face closely and saw his eyes dart down to where her hands were on his midsection still, then back to her face. Her eyes slid from his and noticed a slight red tinge to his cheeks, mouth slightly parted as he breathed hot puffs of air. The skin under her fingers started to get clammy, and it almost felt like he trembled under her touch.

Oh.

_Oh._

 


	5. “I heard that!’ “You were supposed to!”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #22: “I heard that!’ “You were supposed to!”
> 
> [from this prompt list](http://kuresoto.tumblr.com/post/169213201083/prompt-list-1)
> 
> sw-verse

She first felt the tingle at the back of her throat during a recon mission, deep in a jungle with thick humidity all around her. She didn’t think much of it at the time, herself having spent days and days scavenging in the Jakku desert with far worse ails to care much for a _sore throat_.

Now with her throat swollen and tender, she cursed her past self.

But not as much as her future self would curse at how stubborn she was being.

The Resistance was whittled down to only a handful of people with supplies scarce to begin with. People had died, others with wounds that needed bacta and medication more than her. And she reasoned with herself that no matter how painful it was to swallow, if she survived Jakku then she could survive this.

Who knew that her sore throat could lead to a full blown space cold?

And thus she hid in her room with no one suspecting a thing. She had been on countless missions recently so no one bat an eye at her wanting to take a day off, in the solitude of her quarters. It was stupid, she knew that, but she just couldn’t find the strength to argue with anyone.

That included _him_.

In her bed, wrapped in a cocoon of blankets, she didn’t need to open her heavy eyes to know their bond had flickered to life. It was silent before, but the silence now was different. She didn’t hear him breathe, only the echo of his footsteps. She wondered where he was going, but didn’t care enough to ask.

“Silly girl,” he muttered.

“I heard that!” she managed, only to dissolve in a fit of coughs.

“You were meant to!” he snapped with no real heat.

He sounded much closer to her now, so she cracked a bleary eye open. “What are you doing here? Don’t you have planets to conquer? Lives to destroy?”

She’d be lying if she didn’t feel guilt when his eyes softened at her words. “Is that what you think I do?” he asked.

She didn’t know what she thought, and in her sickly state, she couldn’t muster the energy dissect his motives. So, she merely shrugged and closed her eyes once again, nuzzling into her scratchy sheets.

“What have they given you?”

Without opening her eyes, she mumbled, “A space cold, I guess?”

There was an amused laugh. “I meant, what medicine have they given you to remain this way still?”

She didn’t even consider lying, she was _that_ tired. “I didn’t get any. No one knows I’m sick.”

“ _Rey_.” She wanted to hum at the sound of her name being drawled by him. She just wanted to rest and listen to his voice forever. She just wanted-- “They can fix this in an instant.”

Urgh, she didn’t sign up for this. Not even able to roll onto her side and look away, she remained unmoving, subjecting herself to his chides and scolds. Amidst the slight annoyance, she felt a smile twitch at the corners of her mouth. He was almost motherly. It felt nice.

“--I didn’t even know space colds were still around. I’m pretty sure there’s vaccines for it. Or was it seasonal and planet specific only? Regardless--”

How could she tell him that she wasn’t used to these things? These things being concern and worry directed towards her. On Jakku, getting ill was being dehydrated or getting heat stroke or almost dying from starvation, and caring for someone else was unheard of. Years of being a scavenger taught her that it was better to be sick alone than in the company of others. It was safer.

Suddenly, a warm hand pressed down on her forehead, pressure not too heavy. “What are you doing?” she asked weakly, body itching to pull away.

He merely shushed, the pads of his middle and ring finger massaging her skin. It felt pleasant. “It’s okay. You’re okay. You’ll be alright, no one can hurt you.”

Her throat became constricted for a different reason, but she studiously believed it to be from her cold. Not because of his words, how they struck her unaware. Or from the hand that was still rubbing calming circles into her scalp.

She let out a groan before sleep took her at last, her body surrendering to it wholly and complete.

When she awoke the next day, her fever and sore throat were gone, along with her coughs and muscle aches. Was it all a dream? No, she wasn’t so far gone to have imagined it all. She placed her hand against her head, at the exact place where his hand was the night before.

Without warning, their bond fizzed into existence and she found her staring directly at Kylo as a droid floated in front of him. He was shirtless again, but she wasn’t focussed on that. No, her attention was on the needle that pierced his arm, then the green patch that covered the small red dot.

She floundered for words, but to her relief, was able to get out two words before her connection cut out.

“ _Thank you_.”

 


	6. “Fuck you.” “Well, if you insist.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #15: “Fuck you.” “Well, if you insist.”
> 
> [from this prompt list](http://kuresoto.tumblr.com/post/169213201083/prompt-list-1)
> 
> modern au

Their relationship wasn’t conventional. He knew that, but he couldn’t find it in him to give a flying fuck. It didn’t stick to normal social standards and frankly, society could shove it. At least, that was how he thought years ago when he was still in denial.

Now it was just painful to have her so close, within his reach, and yet so far at the same time.

He wasn’t always so maudlin. In fact, it was only a recent development, and sometimes he wished he could go back to that simple life of being blissfully unaware that he was in love with his best friend. But alas, he couldn’t and so he found himself clenching and unclenching his fists as he stood outside her apartment, trying his best not to hyperventilate at the thought of her smile alone.

They had known each other for ten years, first meeting when he was in college and she fresh out of high school. Sure, their friendship made a lot of people turn heads and understandably enough. After all, what eighteen year old hangs around a twenty-seven year old? Everyone assumed they were sleeping together, and that itself was the source of many jokes between them. Back then, it was hilarious to even think they would hook up, ironically enough.

Ben sighed and rubbed his hands over his face and through his hair. He couldn’t remain standing outside her apartment all night, her neighbors would start to talk and then he would _definitely_ get found out. It wasn’t not normal for anyone to loiter outside someone's apartment and with their history, he would normally barge in without even knocking.

He used to be _so_ comfortable around her, not reacting one bit if she lounged over him in her oversized shirt and panties, or if he caught a glimpse of her breasts when she got changed, her bedroom door ajar because _that was how they were_. And he had done the same with her around in his own apartment. Heaven’s knew how many times she joked about his dick, never seen it herself but she knew enough from the numerous times he had to peel his dick from his sweaty ballsack on a balmy Summer’s day. Or whenever he would gasp in pain when his pubes got caught on his foreskin, Rey snickering at his misery.

How the fuck did he get through all those times without even _once_ considering her more than a friend?

Oh, right. It was because they were both going through some fucked up shit and valued their friendship too much to ruin it with sex.

“But sex makes everything better!” His workmate, Hux, had said one time, right before he shoved the ginger man aside to get him to shut up. Hux was an idiot, and the _last_ person to take relationship advice from, but somewhere along the line, Ben noticed that something had changed.

They both had been in relationships before, neither really minding whoever the other was dating at the time, but now, the thought of Rey with someone else just made his stomach churn. And the amusing thing was that a lot of their respective relationships had ended because their boyfriend/girlfriend always got jealous of how close they were. ‘It wasn’t right’, they would comment, or ‘you’ll never love me like you do Rey/Ben’. The last comment was correct though. They had exchanged I love you’s in the past before, like when he surprised her with breakfast to celebrate the anniversary of her getting out of the Foster Care System, or when she changed his motorcycle tyre when someone asshole slashed them. ‘I love you’ was so innocuous back then. Now, it felt wrong to even _think it_ , like he was lying to her or betraying her trust in some way.

Both knew how important the other was, it was the closest thing they had to family, and he wasn’t going to ruin it just because he would wake up more often than not with her name on his lips. And he refused to think of the times he would jerk off to the voicemails she left him, her accented voice calling him a dumbass and reminding him not to leave his keys at home. (Thankfully, that time was before his revelation, and thus had no problem crashing at Rey’s place, in her bed with her sprawled over his naked chest. Because that was a thing they were okay with. The thought of doing that now made his pants uncomfortably tight.)

Besides, he was almost sure Rey wouldn’t want to have sex with him. Ninety-nine percent sure, mainly because of that one time she agreed with an article that said guys who were more well-endowed were poorer at sexual intercourse. It didn’t bother him then, but now he just constantly cursed the heavy appendage between his legs.

He blew a long sigh and rested his forehead against her door. He really should go inside. It was past dinner and his stomach was growling. If he was going to wallow in his pathetic misery, he might as well do it with a full stomach.

Rey was lounging on the couch when he finally mustered the courage to enter. “Finished having your existential crisis out there, Ben?” she asked, eyes still glued to the TV, watching some horrible reality show.

He froze at her words slightly before he forced himself to relax. “Yep.”

She turned around and leaned against the back of her couch, watching as he mooched off her leftovers. “You’re such a weirdo,” she said, grinning as he rolled his eyes.

“Should you be calling me a weirdo when you leave your front door unlocked?”

“I knew you were out there.”

He didn’t say anything in response, merely settling on the couch next to her to watch a show that decreased his IQ by the second. He took one bite of the curry she made and gagged. “Holy shit, Rey. What the fuck is this?”

“It’s curry!” She looked affronted.

“Yeah, it looks like curry, but why is it bland?”

“No one is forcing you to eat it!” She tried taking the bowl from him but he lifted it beyond her reach. “Fuck you!”

“Well, if you insist.”

He realised immediately that he said those words aloud, keenly aware of Rey’s frozen body and her proximity. Neither moved, both perfectly still as the clock on the wall counted the seconds that passed. After what felt like an eternity, he swallowed the lump in his throat and lowered the bowl onto the coffee table. She followed his movements, sitting back on her knees and watched him with wide eyes. His teeth gnawed the inside of his mouth, internally berating himself for not catching himself.

The silence between them was unbearable. He had to get out of there, fast.

Hauling himself off the couch, he made a beeline for the door, only to have his shirt yanked back, seams ripping loudly. He whipped around and saw Rey, face red and fuming. “What the fuck was that for?!”

“For you being a _fucking cunt_!”

He gaped at her, not quite believing his ears. “ _What_?”

Rey swung her body over the back of her couch and bared down on him like a feral animal. He never saw her so furious. “You! Something fucking happened, Ben! We were fine, we were great! Until you started hiding shit from me!”

“I didn’t hide anything from you!” he argued, temper flaring at her accusations.

“Yeah, you did! You became distant! I thought it was something I did. I mean, why else would you stop talking to me?”

“We’re talking right now!”

“ _You know what I mean!!_ ”

He did. He knew exactly what she was talking about, and he had hoped she wouldn’t notice. They would see each other like normal, and he would still answer her calls, but he was not going to fucking reply to her texts about some guy asking her out. No way in hell could his mind handle that.

“-and now you basically ask me to be your fuckbuddy? Do you think nothing about what we’ve been through?”

“What?” Her ramblings snapped him from his reverie. “I did not say that.”

“Then why would you say that, huh? Why would you insinuate fucking me if not as a fuckbuddy?” Her eyes were wet with unshed tears and it broke his heart.

“Maybe because I love you?” he said weakly, hands coming up to cup her face, thumb swiping at her falling tears. “Is that such a hard thing to believe?”

“You’re just saying that,” she said with a waterlogged voice.

He pressed their foreheads together. “No,” he said softly. “I’ve always loved you. Always, but Rey, there’s only so much I can take.”

She sniffled. “What do you mean?”

“How the hell am I supposed to reply to a guy asking you out when all I want is to have you for myself?”

She let out a whine and smacked his shoulder repeatedly. “What else was I meant to do? You started acting weird and then you stopped sleeping over! I thought maybe this was it. That I had done something, maybe was too forward and familiar with you that it chased you away.”

His rebuttal died on his tongue when her words sank in. With narrowed eyes, he chased her eyes, which conveniently avoided his. “Rey,” he said with warning in his voice. “What do you mean ‘too forward and familiar’?”

She looked so goddamn cute with her bottom lip wedged between her teeth. “I’ve wanted to be more than friends for a while, Ben, but never knew how to ask-”

He didn’t let her finish her sentence, he was too impatient and too relieved to stop himself. Her lips felt so soft and she tasted amazing. All his daydreams of what it was like to kiss her was nothing compared to the real deal. And her greedy little tongue was pushing past his lips, hungrily kissing and sucking his bottom lip. Fuck, they had to stop or else he was going to embarrass himself.

They broke apart and stared at each other, faces flushed and lips ruby red. And then she giggled. It was such a Rey thing to do, never good at handling long periods of silence. “You’re an idiot,” she laughed. “You’re an idiot. I’m an idiot. We’re the co-presidents of the Idiot Club.”

Ben grinned and dropped butterfly kisses on her nose. “Yeah, we are.”

Suddenly, she sobered up and looked at him seriously. “Ben.”

“Yes?”

“Please don’t destroy me with your monster cock.”

 


	7. “I can’t stand how they’re looking at you.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #8: “I can’t stand how they’re looking at you.”
> 
> [from this prompt list](http://kuresoto.tumblr.com/post/169213201083/prompt-list-1)
> 
> sw-verse

“You can’t even see them.”

“No, but I can sense how you feel when they do, and that’s all I need to know.”

Rey clamped her mouth shut and busied herself with a holo. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She let out an irritated sound when Kylo purposely moved in front of her and covered the holo screen with his hand. “Get out of the way,” she bit out through her gritted teeth.

“Do they look at you in disgust, I wonder? Is that why I feel such shame and guilt coming off you?”

Rey dropped her holo, uncaring if it whatever she was pretending to look at fizzled out of existence, and put as much distance as she could between them. “I said get out.” She balled her fists in anger when he ignored her, choosing to circle her instead, as if she was some easy target.

“You shouldn’t feel bad, Rey.” She bit the inside of her mouth at the sound of her name on his lips. “They will never understand the bond between us. The thing that ties us together, pulling us closer and closer as each day passes.”

“Whatever we have between us is weak. It’s nothing compared to the strength that holds the Resistance.”

Kylo snorted, the rude noise making her bristle. “The Resistance must not be very strong if they’re making you feel this way,” he said, waving his hands in front of her face.

“They’re not making me feel anything. It’s all in your head.”

“Oh, no, it’s really not. And I’m serious about our bond growing stronger by the day. After all, I can reach out and touch you easily now.” And to prove his point, he caressed her cheek with the back of his hand, his cold glove on her skin making her shiver.

“Stop that,” she whispered, voice broken. “Just stop it.”

He pulled his hand away at her command. “I’m sorry,” he quickly apologised.

She wanted to pull her hair and shove him aside with all her pent up frustration. He always did this, appear before with the arrogance of a Supreme Leader only to be disarmed at a moment’s notice. What was the point of all these mind games?

“They’re not mind games, Rey,” he said softly.

“Then why are you here?” Their encounters weren’t normally this exhausting.

He stared at her hard for some time before he sighed. “What did they say?”

“Who?” she asked, knowing full well who he meant.

“Them. The Resistance. Whoever it was that made you feel this way.”

“ _You_ made me feel this way,” she countered.

“No, I didn’t. This is different. I’ve never made you feel shame. I can feel the discomfort light years away.”

“Well, maybe if you stopped trying to communicate with me then you wouldn’t be burdened by my feelings!” she snarked, anger rising once again.

However, he didn’t rise to the bait. Instead, he kept his distance and spoke softly. “What did they do to you, Rey?”

She was starting to feel hysterical. “They didn’t do anything!”

“Then why do you feel such shame and guilt? I want to believe that it has something to do with what happened on the _Supremacy_ , but I don’t think so. What’s ailing you?”

He was being so gentle and it only made her self-hatred grow. Everything would be easier if he remained the cocky Supreme Leader asshole she had expected him to be, not this soft person who was more than happy to listen to her problems.

It stopped her from believing she had made the right decision.

She hadn’t told them about Ben, and she thought that guilt alone would eat her away, but it didn’t. Not even the fact she basically abandoned Ben on the Supremacy made her feel as bad as she did the months following Crait. .

Day in, day out, everyone greeted her in the halls with smiles on their faces. The new Jedi Master, they had called her, only for Rey to roll her eyes at their labels. Being a fully fledged Jedi was the least of her concerns when everyone showered her with such expectations she could not live up to. She could practically see the gears in their heads turn: she will help the Resistance and bring down the First Order. With her, they could do anything. Now that Luke was gone, she was their secret weapon.

Was this how he felt, in the throne room with dead guards scattered around them? No wonder he was furious at her. She understood that now.

And it made the hopeful looks casted her way all the more unbearable.

She didn’t want to be the one they looked up to. She never did.

She didn’t want that responsibility.

“Rey.”

His light voice pulled her from her thoughts. He had his hand held out for her, just like she had done for him. He waited patiently and she should have felt suspicious, but she didn’t. It wasn’t an offer to join him. No, it was something different.

It was something she needed.

Slowly, she inched closer to him. Feet shuffling across the durasteel floors was all that was heard, until she came to a stop. As she reached out to him with aching slowness, her heart started to expand at the comfort she craved for so long. The comfort she _needed_.

More. Closer. Need.

Her heart pounded in her chest when her fingertips brushed over his glove. She started to curl her fingers to hold onto him, a hint of a smile creeping on her face, when he disappeared in a blink of an eye.

She let out a small gasp, mouth parted slightly at the empty space before her. A tear ran down her cheek as the intercom in her room buzzed, the voice of some lieutenant summoning her for some important briefing they wanted her to be at.

“Please,” she whispered to no one, trying her best not to crumble at his absence.

 


	8. you can't be here now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [from this prompt list](http://kuresoto.tumblr.com/post/172945490113/five-word-prompts)

“You can’t be here now.”

“You think I can control this?”

Normally, Kylo wouldn’t be bothered by Rey’s reaction to his sudden appearance, but this time was different. She seemed skittish, eyes constantly darting past him. He looked around and unsurprisingly, he couldn’t see her surroundings, only her, standing in front of some viewdeck with the glittering expanse of space behind her. She bundled the edges of her tunic in her hands and nibbled on her bottom lip. Odd, this was the first time he had seen her like this.

He turned back to her and noticed that her hair was pinned to one side, exposing the cream of her neck and clavicle. There was something else - her face was clean, cleaner than normal. _Bright_ , almost. She had put something on her face...it made her lashes more defined and her lips glisten. For lack of better word, she looked… “Pretty.”

“What?”

A furious heat crept up his neck with his heart hammering in his chest and blood screaming in his ears as he floundered for words. Maker, how could he be so stupid? He couldn’t believe he actually let that slip, lips pressed together in a thin line as he struggled to reply. However, he didn’t need to as Rey’s attention was pulled away by something...or rather, some _one_.

Kylo couldn’t see who it was or what was happening, only that a single flower was pressed into her hand. He stared dumbly at the pink petalled item in Rey’s hand, her slim fingers clutching the fragile stem. And then, everything clicked into place.

“You’re on a _date_?” he asked incredulously. He felt his stomach drop when Rey avoided his eyes and refused to acknowledge his presence again, moving to walk down the boardwalk.

He followed her, a sharp remark on the tip of his tongue that died when a faint outline of a hand appeared near her waist. He came to a complete stop, eyes wide as Rey continued on without him. His body felt numb, his hands dangling by his sides and mouth moving without any sound. He was speechless, and suddenly felt out of place. She was right, he shouldn’t be there. He couldn’t be there. He didn’t want to see any of this, to see someone else with Rey when her rejection was still fresh in his mind.

Without a single word, he turned around with a snap of his boots and stormed off in the opposite direction, feeling relief only when their connection disconnected with snap. He didn’t need her. And she didn’t need him.

Fine by him.

-

“Rey? You okay?”

Rey jolted back to reality and looked at the lieutenant who had been trying to get her attention for the past few minutes. What was his name again? Urgh, this was a terrible idea, but the others had insisted on it. Next thing she knew, makeup was being dabbed on her face and hair pinned to the side, courtesy of Rose and the support of Finn and Poe. “Gotta make use of your hair, Rey. Mine curl up too much, so I’ll have to live vicariously through you,” Rose had commented as she fashioned some clips from old engine parts. They had also suggested she wear a dress instead of the same clothes she always wore, but she had profusely declined. It was just a walk after all. Still, they dug up a random dress from somewhere and thrust it into her arms before giving her a thumbs up.

She didn’t wear the dress. It was just a walk after all, despite their reassurances that it was _not_ just a walk.

It turned out they were correct. Her ‘date’ showed up in plain, civilian clothing, rather than the uniform she had expected him to don, much to her shock.The Resistance was still on the run, but the planet they had stopped at for a week to resupply was the perfect place for a date, it seemed. And as much as she tried, she couldn’t seem to relax around the young man.

He was nice and polite, but the admiration clear on his face was too much sometimes. She could tell he was excited to go on a date with ‘The Hero of the Resistance’, not Rey herself, and for that, she plastered a fake smile and counted down the minutes until she was able to get back to her bunk.

Kylo appearing was also the last thing she needed. If she felt distracted whilst being on the ‘date’ beforehand, the guilt that began to fester after he disappeared was unbearable. There was no way she could keep her facade up.

“Sorry,” Rey said, offering a small smile. “I don’t feel very well.”

“Oh.” The man clearly looked deflated. “I can walk you to--”

“No, no! It’s okay!” she quickly reassured with her hands up. “You didn’t get the see the whole boardwalk! It looked very nice, it would be a shame if you didn’t finish it.”

“But--”

“I’ll see you around!” Rey rushed off, not bothering to look back as she wrung her hands nervously.

It wasn’t until she was in the ‘fresher attached to her bunk that she properly looked at herself in the mirror. Against her better judgement, she quickly changed into the dress her friends had supplied, hands smoothing over the fabric that stopped just above her knees. She felt weird and looked different, but it felt oddly liberating. She wasn’t used to dresses or the feel of her legs being so...free. It felt nice, but in the quiet of her ‘fresher, she was glad no one had seen her in it. Even alone, she felt slightly self-conscious. Probably something she would eventually get used to, but with the current state of the Resistance, it fell short on her list of needs.

“Oh, no,” she bemoaned, as the minimal sound around her got sucked into a void once again.

She didn’t need to turn around, able to see Kylo clearly in the mirror before her. He eyes were averted and had yet to see her in her dress, much to her relief. Things were already strained between them, and Kylo storming off earlier didn’t make things better. Not that she particularly understood why, it wasn’t like _he_ was the one on the unwanted date.

A sharp intake of air brought her from her reverie, eyes focusing back on Kylo. He stood perfectly still and she could practically feel his nervousness rolling from him, despite the intensity of his stare. Again, what was he uncomfortable about? It wasn’t like he was the one standing in his ‘fresher in nothing but a slip of a dress.

Suddenly, he moved towards her. Now, it was her turn to freeze, watching him warily through the mirror. He stopped right behind her and it was impossible not to inhale his soapy scent. She shivered, even as he reached past her to the flower she had placed on the durasteel vanity. Her eyes followed his hand, a jarring sight to see his hulking fingers wrapped around the delicate stem. They moved to the side of her face, the same side her hair was pulled back, and tried to fasten the flower to her clip. He let out a small gasp when the stem snapped in half, catching the remaining flower in the palm of his hand.

As Kylo tried a second time to attach the brightly colored flower to her derelict clip, Rey’s eyes never left his face. His brows were knitted together with his lip wedged between his teeth, deep concentration apparent until the flower stayed in her hair.

He stepped back and let the ghost of a satisfied smile appear on his face. “You look nice,” he mumbled awkwardly, words jumbled with one another. He let out a shaky sigh and took another step back. “He’ll like it.”

He? Rey turned around to correct him, to explain that there was no ‘he’, and to properly show Kylo the front of her dress, when he disappeared in a blink of an eye. Like he was never there. Her hand came up to press against the flower in her hair, and her heart twisted traitorously when sound returned to her ears.

 


End file.
